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Another through/ thought

And guess what - while trying to write the last post, I was struggling with so many spellings errors, that yes I ended up changing what I was going to write! So decided to try to pick up this thread today, here goes...

Added to this spelling problem, memory is another. So I think of what I want to say, start writing or typing it and before I've got to the second word its gone, or got mixed up, doesn't make sense. This is when I start to get angry at myself, if I'm at home on my own I can express this frustration, but in work, in a public space, even in front of family I have to suppress it - this doesn't help just makes me internalise the problem. I've tried to write straight off- not worrying about the spellings or grammar, just gone for it. But still I lose my thread and forget what I'm trying to say. Its like my mind and thought's/ through (again you choose the correct one) is racing ahead and skipping bits, the brain isn't sending the signals down to my fingers at the same speed and my eyes are trying to identify the right keys. To much information or signals going on and all in all it becomes a complete mess.

Then added to this all those red underlines which appear, which again if in a public space/ work I become self conscious. Someone might walk past and see, or look up over their computer. They might make a comment out loud - I will need to defend it or go to default mode- laugh it off, make a joke of it, but I later replay the situation over and over, hate myself for doing it and wish I could just front it out.

I think this goes back to my school days, it was easier to make a joke of it than be the joke. Well that's how it felt, not sure that was the best way to deal with it but it was and is the only way I know - its default setting now. Even if they don't comment, in my mind people are thinking it, there looking, judging, laughing at me behind my back. To be honest I doubt they are, or at least not to the extent I feel they are! But as soon as I try to write the panic and anxiety kicks in. To the outside world people don't see it, I hid it or hope I do! But inside all these thing are going on in my head, my heart starts to beat a bit harder and I can feel my breathing getting panicky.  But that me, its the way I have always dealt with thing and can't see it changing now.
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