Anxiety overload

Wow, feeling very overwhelmed, anxious and panicky at the moment. Every now and then something will trigger this, but this is a bad one. Even smells are setting it off, or making it worse. My body is making connections with certain smells, routines, even clothing I'm wearing. I'm really not feeling in my comfort zone or even in control. It's a vicious circle as this effects my dyslexia, makes it harder to concentrate and spell words I know I can spell, which then makes my angry, feel like I'm not able to do what others can and so the negativity/ self doubt kicks in.

I'm even getting tearful, which means I'm showing my anxiety in public and that just makes me feel worst. I can feel my breathing change, getting palpitations and panic attacks. I used to feel like this a lot at school, so now all those memories have come flooding back. I would spend the days looking out the window, dreaming what it would be like to be 'free', in school I felt trapped and just couldn't wait for the end of the day. I would walk home so fast, some days even run as much as I could, just to get home. Home was freedom, a place I could just be me. No writing, no reading, no time pressure just doing the things I wanted to do. And now these feelings are back, I'm panicky, feeling trapped and withdrawing into myself.

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Lists

I love writing lists, every Thursday night I come home and sit down to write my list for the weekend. Depending on how that day has gone I might do this while drinking a fine cup of Earl Grey tea or a nice cold beer! I start with looking at my list from the last week, there are some things which are always recurring – clean the house, iron, food shop etc. Then I add what I didn’t get round to doing the previous week, followed by what needs to be done this weekend. I see a list as having multiple uses: It helps me to remember the things I need to do. Helps me plan and organise my weekend, otherwise I think I would put off doing certain things until it’s late on a Sunday night and I’ve run out of time. Motivates me - I enjoy looking at a list, deciding what to do next, going away and doing it -then going back and ticking it off. That’s the buzz, drawing a line through the item and putting a big tick at the end! In fact I’d go as far as saying I think I have an obsession with lis...

Post-It Notes

I've briefly said before that post it notes are great. But I truly mean it, the fact they come in all different shapes, sizes and colours means I can use them to organise and record key information. At work I have a notebook, the inside of the cover page and the back page is full of post it notes. Each one with a key prices of information on, same are pointers to remind me of log ins and passwords, other have important or regularly needed telephone numbers and emails. Some even have names of people - often forget peoples names. The different shapes and colours help me find the price of information I'm looking for quickly, my own reference system. I often use post it notes to plan any written documents, write sentences or the odd buzz word I need to include. Then you can move them around easily to help contract the document. I've even done this when writing a job application, I wrote all the things I wanted to get a cross, my skills, experience, examples to demonstrate ho...

Another through/ thought

And guess what - while trying to write the last post, I was struggling with so many spellings errors, that yes I ended up changing what I was going to write! So decided to try to pick up this thread today, here goes... Added to this spelling problem, memory is another. So I think of what I want to say, start writing or typing it and before I've got to the second word its gone, or got mixed up, doesn't make sense. This is when I start to get angry at myself, if I'm at home on my own I can express this frustration, but in work, in a public space, even in front of family I have to suppress it - this doesn't help just makes me internalise the problem. I've tried to write straight off- not worrying about the spellings or grammar, just gone for it. But still I lose my thread and forget what I'm trying to say. Its like my mind and thought's/ through (again you choose the correct one) is racing ahead and skipping bits, the brain isn't sending the signals down ...

Dyslexic Diary...or is it Dairy?!

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